- I was married
- I was a husband
- I am a Daddy
- I am single
- Divorce hurts, regardless of what others say
I have always found it hard to write about me. I guess that stems from me feeling that I either had nothing important to say or perhaps no one would listen anyway. In my younger years I was not a brain, geek, jock, drunk, or drugie. Yet I fit in with all those groups quite easily. I made decent grades, was always interested in new technology, played football for a few years and did my share of drinking and experimenting with drugs.
Who am I today? I am a middle-aged adult and the father of three precious children. I was a husband for seventeen years. Now I am a non-custodial dad paying child support and doing the best I can to be an active part in my children’s lives. I am also single, heading toward seven years of being single again. That in itself is a unique journey to undertake.
I am currently enrolled at Grand Canyon University in their College of Liberal Arts working toward obtaining a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Studies. After thirty years of ignoring a possible calling from God I have decided to step out in faith and see where God will lead. It may take me down new roads or just prepare me for a future of singleness. Either way, at least now I can say I listened to God instead of doing it my own way.
Doing it my own way is probably what got me to where I am in life anyway.
Why Crosshairs of Grace? After finding myself divorced and my secure environment suddenly falling apart around me I realized if God had been the center of my life or orbit I might not be flailing about so badly. During the initial shock, fear, feelings of worthlessness, and depression it dawned on me that I was caught in God’s crosshairs of grace. How would I respond? The only answer that would lead to a path of healing must come from God’s Word. Hence, here I am, traveling a road I had no desire to take but letting God lead and praying that the end results will eventually glorify Him.
That of course leads me to the first steps of a new life and being single-again. What are my options? Where do I want to go? Where do I want God to take me? Am I willing to follow Him? The only truthful answers would be found in His Word.
How does God feel about divorce and where do I need to be in obedience to Him. Three versions render His feelings like this, ”
For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” Malachi 2:16 (NASB).
“For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Malachi 2:16 (NLT).
“I hate divorce,” says the GOD of Israel. GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies says, “I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage.” So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat. Malachi 2:16 (MSG)
So now we know God says “I hate divorce!” But I am divorced so where does that leave me? When the conversation about remarriage after divorce starts you will usually find controversy and usually quite a lot of controversy. I am not here to argue about other divorces, or to cast blame on those who do not agree with my opinions. This is where God has brought me today. With that stated, I feel there are usually three sets of circumstances which allow someone to remarry and be justified by scripture:
1 Corinthians 7:15 (NASB) “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.”
If one spouse is an unbeliever and permanently and willfully departs from a believer then the option to divorce and remarry is available to the believer. Again, this is an option and not a commandment.
Matthew 19:9 (NASB) “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
If a spouse participating in sexual immorality (usually an affair) is not willing to repent there is the option for the faithful spouse to divorce and remarry. This is an option, not a commandment. Immorality refers to persistent and unrepentant behavior.
2 Corinthians 5: 17 (NASB) “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”
If someone receives salvation after their first marriage and divorce they are free to remarry. All sins as well as divorce are in the believer’s past and have now been forgiven.
Last but not least we are told in 1 Corinthians 7:10–11 (NASB)
“But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. “
So where does this leave me? Although I will admit I failed in areas of our marriage I honestly feel that divorce was not necessary. The above verse tells the wife not to leave her husband, but if she does to remain unmarried or reconcile to her husband. Those are my options, so for the last six years my stance has been one of waiting. As long as my former spouse is single I will remain single and be available for reconciliation when God calls.